Wednesday 3 April 2013

A tale of two bad hounds

This post could very easily be just a normal "Howard Sleeps".  A little bit of adorable sleeping dogs, no?

 Oooh noooo, my friends….

Look at these pups…they look pretty pooped don't they.  

...Utterly exhausted...

Not even enough energy to open their eyes when I snarfed a mini easter egg with my evening tea… 

Possibly dirtier paws than usual, though, but perhaps they're too tired to even clean them back to their sparkling white.

….Oh no…..these two little dogs are firmly in the dog house. (Ok, so they're on the sofa…and my best wool throw.  They'd had a long day and needed some home comforts.  Yes I'm a big softie.)

I'm afraid to tell you…*sob*..*sniff*….that it turns out…..*hiccough*…that my dogs aren't in fact perfect….*groan*…

In fact not only are they not perfect, I'm not even sure they're mildly well behaved.  They have done the unthinkable, and have earned themselves a spell in the pound or will be put in a pie, for sure.

It was Sunday.  We'd had an incredible Easter meal…I'd even snuck each of them a small piece of the beef after lunch (Sorry Janne, if you're reading…)  They were being well behaved dogs.  Leaving my father's cat alone (mostly) and generally being on their best behaviour. (Well, you have to be on your best behaviour when at "Grandpa's", don't you.)

After tea, when let out for a wee, they both bounded out, and found a spot to relieve themselves.  The wind was blowing their ears all over the place and they had a little frolic in the garden together, chasing each other and sniffing all the new smells in the garden.

I decided that was enough (I was getting cold) and called both of my darling dogs in.  

Dennis, without a thought, bounded inside, wagging his tail (he knew he was being good….)  Howard loitered in the doorway, flouncing about every which way but the door….


….he ran off….



….Dennis, the little sod, followed….

"Hahaha, very funny, come on in please."  I naively said (yes, I'm very polite to my dogs.  I expect it back in return.)

A few moments went by.  No dogs.

…..excuse my language but "FUCK"….

You see, my father and step-mum live in a gorgeous house in the country….in the middle of nowhere….with no fences. (So actually this is completely their fault, no?  How were the dogs to know where the garden ended ….*huff*…)

I was coatless and in shoes not really suited to a country walk, or the cold.

"Oh Bugger"…I heard the chicken farmer right down the road yelling at something.  "Oh god, they've killed something…they're terrorising him…If he doesn't kill them then I will".

I run…yelling for them to "please" come here now, this isn't funny….

The road track to the farmer is loooooooong.  I'm impressed at the speed they must have travelled at (well, I'm impressed that Dennis managed to keep up with Howard.)  What I wasn't impressed with was the fact that I was cold and the farmer was about to yell at me for having out of control dogs. "I'm so sorry, they've never done this before.  Howard's usually so good…Dennis hasn't left my side since we got him"  …..Of course he won't believe me.  He'll think I am just one of those people who doesn't care who their dogs terrorise or if they get run over by a tractor.

..I get to the farm..

…farmer in sight…

.….farmer not yelling…..

Oh thank goodness.  I apologise and he looks at me with an amused expression at my garbled apology. Yes, he'd been yelling, but he'd been calling his dog (a German shepherd called Violet) back.

My two dogs (who at this point I was plotting their demise in a puppy farm) were racing about in the field next to him.

….more walking….

……through a field……


Ok, only one was racing around, chasing hares and rabbits and birds.  Running huge arcs of this enormous expanse of field.  The other had found a delightful ditch, full of water and was dirty and wet.  


…."If either of you had your testicles I'd be castrating you myself right now"….

When they were both in sight I ask nicely (through gritted teeth) for them to come here now.

Did they come back?

…Did they heck?!…

One looked at me soppily and shook himself, the other did another lap of the field…(Dog meat burgers?…no one will know….!)

I admit that at this point I completely lost my temper.

I could just imagine the farmer laughing at my little silhouette, a tiny dot in the distance, another dot running rings around me, the other just sitting there doing sod all.

….so I yelled….

…my goodness, I really, really, yelled...


…*ahem*…I'm not saying it was the best incentive in the world for them to step within arms reach of me but I wasn't in the best mood…

"Oh" thinks Dennis, "I'm so sorry mother, did you want me to come over to you?  Gosh, I'm sorry for getting our wires crossed, I wasn't aware.  Of course I'll come over to you.  Whilst I'm at it I'll just wipe all this ditch water all over you.  I don't want you missing out on the smell…it's actually incredible."

Howard, looking like a little muddy rat, ran back, wagging his tail.  I wasn't giving him another chance and so scooped the fluffy dirt-ridden mess up into my arms.  Oh no…he wasn't getting away that easily.

and you know what I did?  Absolutely livid….freezing cold….smelling of ditch water…one little devil trotting obediently by me, the other crying in my arms for ruining his "best fun ever, in the entire world", in the middle of a field, wanting to cry/shout/scream/stamp my feet?

I put on my happiest voice, told them how incredibly good they were for coming back to me, fumbling in my pockets with one free frozen hand, for treats, and fussing their disgusting fur.

Well, in my defence, what good would punishment do?  

They came back 

…in the end…

….If they do it again….I'm giving them away….


Well…the instigator wasn't getting away scott free….there had to be some kind of shame inducing punishment.

Howard's side of the story:  "I'm pretty sure that I certainly did sort of nothing that could be deemed as bad or wrong……….."



Update: 14/10/2015

I love this story so much, and miss both of these wee boys.  Linking up with Animal Tales to share Howard and Dennis and their antics.



  1. They are just too cute :-)

    Helen XX

    1. They're not cute, they're two very naughty boys!


  2. O..M..G.. it sounds like you need a spot on my blog! What were you saying just the other day about how good they are off the lead LMAO!!!!!!!!!! Spaniels are absolute buggers for this and it would seem that as innocent as he would like you to think he is I fear Dennis may have been the instigator in this!!!!!!! I'm afraid that I chuckled at the fact that you had to do this alone and no family member came to your rescue!!!!

    Bad Dennis and Howard!!!!!!!! lololololololol!!!!!!

    1. I blame myself, the rabbits and hares (and my father for not fencing his property….what do you mean I can't blame him?)

      I think Howard got carried away with the moment, and the fact that he has someone who follows him everywhere on walks (when he's not steadfastly by my side asking for treats). We've never had to worry about my father's garden with Howard. It's a shame we're going to have to (although he's promised that a fence will come at some point.

      I'm sure if all this was going on closer then they'd have all piled against a window, watching my torment. They actually were far too busy with tea, cake and cute grandchildren. Tom started helping but then had an asthma attack so retreated to the warm and chocolate.

      They are in so much trouble, little sods. If they try this on a walk then I'm making them into cushions….

  3. Dennis and Howard, I'll fly over to pick you up if Mum says 'OUT!'
    I am in stitches here, thanks for cheering up a dreary day!
    P.S. I imagine this little outing was not funny for you, apologies for taking the pooches' side!
    Happy Spring!

    1. Oh gosh, I was so angry with them. Luckily it's very easy to see the funny side when looking back.

      For now I'll allow them to stay…after all, what would "Howard's House" be without Howard?

      Ali xx

  4. I'm sorry, but looking at pictures of your cute dogs, I can't believe they could ever be so naughty! How dare you tell such fibs....

    1. Oh how I wish I was embellishing, Natalie…..goodness, how I wish…!

  5. oh bless and please if they EVER do this again and you're giving them away, I'll have them (will you throw in your best wool blanket also?)

  6. That face says butter wouldn't melt but I totally believe your version and feel the embarrassment! Bet you'd do it all again though if you could? Stella's done some pretty disgusting things in her time but I know they'll be funny happy memories when the time comes x

    1. They were so disgusting, it was unbelievable.

      You're right, I would do it all over again.

      Ali xx

  7. Oh I am laughing so much only because I have been there so many times with dogs of my own and with 2 King Charles Spaniels I look after who look so cure but are so disobedient (and fast!). But we still love them for ever don't we?! I am so sorry Howard was taken so young (we lost our Lab to cancer on New Year's Eve) and that you had to re-home Dennis ... but I know you made the right decision for him and for your family. Thank you so much for adding this wonderful post to #AnimalTales and I hope to see you there again. There isn't one for the next 2 weeks as I am away so please do link up again on November 3rd if you can.


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