We're coming to the end of March and it's no secret that I find this time of year really hard. Spring is usually my favourite time of year but Autumn has taken it's crown over the last few years, for obvious reasons. Every year my anxiety goes into overdrive and it takes someone to point it out before I realise it's happening. Everything I went through seems like a lifetime ago when in fact it was only three short years ago.
And this year there's an extra difficulty. It's been a long time in the picture, but in January Tom and I decided that it would be better for us, as a family, and as individuals, to separate. In all honesty I think it's been over for a long time. We had a separation in October-December but really wanted Christmas, as a family, for the boys, so we tried.
When you go through such a life changing time...you know, with all the dying...then you change. You change as individuals and you change as a unit. From talking to other people who have been through similar life events, it either makes you stronger or it breaks you. I'm obviously devastated that it's the latter, but we can't say that we didn't try. It just wasn't fixable. It's been over for a long time, but I think we needed the time to realise it.
I still love Tom, and I think he loves me...but that's why we know that this is the right thing to do. We will always be a family, as we're connected by three amazing little boys, who need a happy mummy and daddy and don't need them arguing constantly. They need us to be able to be the best parents, and people we can be...and together...we can't be that.
It's scary, not knowing what life is going to throw at me, but I have an amazing support network of family and friends, and other than this little yearly wobble I'm really ok.
I'm sorry if I haven't told you in person...and I'm sorry if I told you in a garbled, incoherent way....but it's hard...! It's embarrassing to admit. It's easy to feel guilt....for my boys...for my family...for everyone who's supported me so much and wanted us to work it out. There's no fault, no blame. It's a decision we made together and it really is the best decision. Tom needs as much support and love as I do, right now, so please give him some too. He's still going above and beyond, for his boys, and I know he always will.
Ultimately life goes on...it's not all clouds and storms ahead.
This isn't the end of the book. It's just a new chapter.