Tuesday 19 August 2014

Thank you

My goodness……the response I got about my illness has been incredible.  In one day I got over a thousand page views.  It might not be a lot for some but flipping heck…….for me that was a scarily large number of people.  

A lot of the responses were from people who I "know", be it in everyday life or purely online, who had known that I was ill, and had been reading the updates from my sister as I went up and down.  The majority were telling me that they'd known that I'd been incredibly ill…….but that they had no idea that I'd been that ill.  I'd tried to write a more condensed account of what happened from my point of view so left out some parts and to hear that the condensed version was shocking was strange.  It's become "normal" in my head, because it happened…and yet, if I were to be on the other side of the screen and read it then yes…I suppose we've been through rather a lot.

To be honest, generally I don't "feel" like an ill person.  I've been out of hospital for three months now and whilst I need to pace myself I can live life with a pretence of normalcy.  Sometimes I forget what I've just been through and how far I've come.  

I get frustrated with myself when I feel exhausted and have to drag my feet up to bed in the middle of the day.  

I get frustrated when I only manage a quick "once around the block" with the dogs.

I get frustrated when I'm so tired that I completely forget the English language.  (I seem to have the habit of calling pheasants "peacocks", foxes "wolves" and the like and have no idea why……)

I get frustrated when I snap at the children for no reason other than they're being too loud and my brain can't process it.

Looking at me I don't look ill….yes, I have scars, but they will fade.  Even I forget it, so I don't judge anyone else who forgets and thinks that I'm a bit of a lazy sod at the moment.  If I think about how I've progressed since coming out of hospital I'm proud…and I need to remind myself to look at it this way, rather than getting angry with myself for what I can't do.

So here goes…

I am home, with my husband, children and pets.  I can get up out of bed every morning with a smile on my face and come down to start a new day.  I get to see my little boys.  I'm sleeping in MY bed…not a sticky, uncomfortable hospital bed.  I can have a bath or shower.  I can move all of my limbs…sit...stand…walk…hold cutlery…lift my head up.  I can cook and bake.  I can sew. I don't have any machines attached to me, either keeping me alive or monitoring me, reminding me that it could all change with the bleep of an alarm.  I can go outside whenever I want.  I can see family and friends and be social…..somewhere other than my bedside.

I am alive.

I'm not a negative person by any stretch of the imagination but it's easy to get stuck on what you haven't achieved or things you're not very good at, rather than appreciating what you are good at and seeing what you've achieved in a day/week/month/hour……  

So here's to being more positive….like this little man.


1 comment

  1. The last portion of your post (including photos of your latest little miracle!) tells me you know how much you have been blessed! Thank you so much for sharing a little part of you, I can only guess how difficult everything has been for you and your loved ones.
    Sending good thoughts, lots of love and a big hug from the Pacific NW coast.
    P.S. I understand that the speech challenge is a direct result of all the medication you were given. No worries, it goes away after a while. Your loved ones are only too happy to have you home! Live, love, laugh, best remedy!!


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